An Honest Thought.

People rarely speak in honest sentences or thoughts anymore. We always go for the best vocab words right away.

“You look amazing!”

“This is awesome!”

“That’s brilliant!”

We limit ourselves verbally so when something “amazing” or “brilliant” comes along, no one takes it to heart it because the word has been used so many times. “Amazing” has become the new “cool,” “brilliant” has become the new “smart.”

People are just like:

It’s true.

Now, with that said, believe me when I say I have a stupid problem. Arguably, the stupidest problem. It’s not a huge problem, not a medical problem, not a financial problem… a stupid problem. It’s not even a priority.

Some may call it a “white person problem” but stupid is sufficient enough. It’s the only word I’ve found in the English language to describe it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. (It’s probably why I drink so much, but that’s another story I think).

Christmas 2011

Backing up for a second, children are constantly being told that they can be whatever they want to be, and they have all the time in the world to figure it out. This is true I suppose. But as a person who likes planning and organizing (and has a tendency to be gullible and take things literally) I would have appreciated a small heads up that by the age of 18 I need to collect a ton of money for an education that pursues what I want to dedicate the rest of my life to.

Just a heads up would have been nice, just saying… Anyway. Moving on.

I have a wide variety of friends. One is into marketing, one is into film, one is very political, one is going into business consulting, and another is an actress going into teaching. Back in college, everyone would talk about their goals, and plans for the future. Some had ideas of starting their own theatre companies, some already had internships at Comedy Central to get started on their writing career, some had agents and leads and their foot in the door… Everyone had their goal set in stone in their head. Everyone else seemed light-years ahead of me, already knowing what they wanted to do.

As for me, I majored in Theatre in college because it was the only thing I didn’t get a C at in high school.

Me at 17.

(Yes, I was blond. No, I don’t want to talk about it.)

At 18 I started having frequent panic attacks. By 20 I had been to the hospital 2 times for these attacks, and by 22 I barely went outside, I lost touch with friends, and I forgot how to act around other people. I’m almost positive everyone who met me either thought I was weird or a bitch.

The worst part was, until I figured out what I wanted to do, there wasn’t anything I could do to take the first steps. What is there to research if you don’t know what you’re researching? It literally took over my actions, every single thought… Often times, I skipped class to take walks around Boston just to be with myself and think for a while, but nothing came to my mind.

The Esplanade, Boston MA

Graduation came and went. Then I became a writer for The Boston Examiner as one of their Comedy Events Writers, comedy was what I knew best (and liked most). With this new power, I interviewed every single Boston comic I knew to try and interview them. I desperately tried to figure out WHY they became a comedian. I even got to interview two of my favorites, Gary Gulman and Iliza Shlesinger. Idol Paul F. Thompkins tweeted at me which was cool too!

Linnea Rodriguez: Boston Comedy Events Writer

As cool as it was getting into free comedy shows and meeting some comic heroes of mine, it didn’t really work out. My heart just wasn’t in it. Not to mention I have the grammar skills of a 4th grader, and I wasn’t making enough money. But I loved hearing everyone’s answers on why they choose that particular career path. I long for that passion.

And here I am. Years later, still confused, still frustrated at my stupid problem. Maybe I’m just immature. Or maybe I just don’t “get it” yet. But sometimes I feel as though I’m the only person who feels this way. Is this true?

HELLO INTERNET,

I’M REACHING OUT TO YOU HERE.

GOT AN OPINION?

It’s funny though cause I was in my car listening to Avenue Q when the finale “For Now” came on. The lyrics spoke to me…

PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?

GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you’ll never find your purpose.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don’t.

PRINCETON:
But then- I don’t know why I’m even alive!

KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone’s a little bit unsatisfied.

BRIAN:
Everyone goes ’round a little empty inside.

GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,

BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,

KATE MONSTER:
For now…

BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now…

NICKY:
Nothing lasts,

ROD:
Life goes on,

NICKY:
Full of surprises.

ROD:
You’ll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
You’re going to have to make a few compromises…
For now…

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now…

Huh, thanks Broadway. Maybe I’ll give musical theatre a second shot.

One comment

  1. Hi Linnea! Long time. I just randomly read your post and was shocked to learn that I have been having these exact same feelings and thoughts as you. The funny thing is we’re sooo not alone in this. It’s the lucky ones (and there are few of them) that end up knowing exactly what they want right when they’re entering in college and a lot of people don’t realize that. And as for the “you can do anything if you just put your mind to it” quote: although I do believe this to be true, the first step to making it true is to already KNOW your passion so that it’s just that easy. Unfortunately, the majority of us have to constantly kick ourselves in the ass to get from point A to point B because it’s not something that we are 150% in love with. I have come to believe that passion, talent and love can be found through time and experience. Passion and/ talent can also find YOU. As a teacher, I have seen it. As a person, I have experienced it. It might take a bit longer than those who were lucky enough to know who they were in the beginning, but in the end, does it matter if you end up there eventually? Just keep swimming.
    Hope all is well!!
    -Molly

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